I'VE LOOKED AT LIFE FROM BOTH SIDES NOW

 

The question of how to respond to disturbing information has challenged me for many years. I consider myself generally hopeful and optimistic. When presented with sad news, I've often listened and quickly changed the subject or looked for the silver lining. When feelings are involved, I don’t identify them; I've been told by my family that I'm in denial.  Rather than face the facts, feel the suffering, or sadness, or anger, or conflict, I want to move on right away. My approach starts with the rational side of events. I think, analyze, compare and contrast quickly rather than feel what’s happening in the present moment.  For example, on January 6th, 2021, while watching Congress prepare to certify the 2020 Election , my initial reaction to protesters storming the Capitol was to disbelieve what I was watching on live T.V. Upon reflection, I understand that I was suppressing my anger and dismay by denying what I was observing in real time.

Despite  problems with this approach, my character trait has served me well for years. As a parent, it allowed me to encourage my family when we faced difficulty.  As a professional in the field of public administration, I often had to deal with budget cuts,  funding disputes, ideological differences, leadership transitions, and unethical behavior. My job often was that of troubleshooter, so I needed to be the positive one in the situation. Once when a Chief Judge contravened a Supreme Court directive on weapons in the courtroom, I was required to dispassionately yet forcefully explain that he had no option but to implement the directive locally. On another occasion, I was required to testify against an alcoholic  judge in a removal hearing , despite having worked for years to secure assistance and support to encourage his sobriety.

Now that I’m retired and making more time for reflection, I'm beginning to look at things from  “BOTH SIDES NOW', to paraphrase a Joni Mitchell favorite.https://jonimitchell.com/music/song.cfm?id=83        

Listening to the stories of  life  presents opportunities to consider questions, both past and present, more fully.  It makes a lot of sense to experience, feel, and savor the fullness of events rather than move on from the tough parts too quickly. In fact, it’s a bit of a luxury to allow sadness, pain, suffering, anxiety to come to the surface. Emotions are present to be felt.  My rational side tells me that there’s a REASON for these feelings! Though it's taken awhile, I’ve come to understand that the suppression of my emotions over 70 years was a proximate cause of my heart attack four years ago.  

This newfound perspective does not diminish my fundamental optimism. In fact, a realistic, holistic view more precisely focuses the mind and heart on the present.I appreciate the ebbs and flows of emotions and events. I’m listening better, becoming more engaged, and living in the moment.

The glass is still half full.

 But fully engaging the cloudy days helps you appreciate and savor the sunny ones.